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  • Trudeau tells Canadians not to worry about deficits, he won't have to pay them off

    OTTAWA – During Tuesday's fiscal update, Prime Minister Trudeau emphasized that it is a sign of good government that Canada is running the largest deficit relative to its GDP of any major economy. "Let's be honest, government isn't good at that many things. Cutting checks to people is pretty much it, so the fact we are cutting the most checks is actually proof we are doing the best at governing," Trudeau told reporters outside the Rideau Cottage. "Anyway, I just really wanted to do the whole Oprah thing. You know, 'you get a car, you get a car.' Except I get to do it with billions of dollars of other people's money, essentially bribing Canadians with their own cash so they will let me keep being in charge of their country." "Plus, when my dad wracked up the debt almost 60 percent, it was some Mulroney guy who had to deal with it. So, you know, no harm, no foul." Chrystia Freeland, who is now the Deputy Prime Minister, Minister of Finance, and Deputy Minister of Sure, I Guess I'll Cover That Too, has explained that Canadians should not worry about the debt being accumulated for their children. "Even though we are nearing the reckless spending that caused Canada to be referred to as an 'honorary member of the third world' in the 90s, these are just temporary massive pandemic deficits. They are completely different from the massive non-pandemic deficits we were running prior to COVID," Freeland told reporters. "You can trust me with the piggy bank Canada. I understand wealth creation, something I think is clear from my book, Devouring the Rich to Gain their Strength." Trudeau reiterated that now is not the time for an actual budget. "Those things are a lot of work and then require you to kind of actually follow them and then people actually can check where the money is going. If I wanted boring, I wouldn't have canned Morneau. Anyway, I am still hoping to use COVID as an excuse to completely overhaul everything so I want to be ready if Canadians suddenly change their minds and decide they aren't deathly terrified by that notion." "I really don't get this whole hang-up most people have with money," stated Trudeau as he prepared to board a jet to fly to a friend's private island for lunch. "Easy come, easy go, I say. I never worried about money growing up and my account never seemed to be empty. Must be a spiritual thing, most people are too materialistic. Anyway, if Canada needs some cash, it can just go do some speaking gigs for WE Charity."

  • Penguin Random House staff try to ban alphabet for failing to be an 'ally'

    TORONTO – Employees of publisher Penguin Random House are up in arms over the use of the alphabet in their company's operations after discovering that the letters and words they were publishing were often ordered differently than they had been in their undergraduate Women's Studies course. "I don't know if people know this but letters can spell anything. I grew up being taught that 'A' is for apple – and it is! – but 'F' is also for fascism," stated one employee with blue hair, "How can I work with these symbols when they can just betray me like that?" "It's true that I can use letters to spell something so important that I spray paint it on a grocery store, like 'smash patriarchy' or 'ACAB.' However, some writers use those same letters to write articles persuading the public that it is bad to destroy public property or ratchet up a hostile 'us versus them' mentality against everyone who works in law enforcement," said another employee with pink hair. "Know who else liked public order and not attacking law enforcement? The Nazis." "It's just too much. I wouldn't have taken a job with a publisher if I thought letters could be organized in a way I disagreed with," said the blue haired employee. "I think it's pretty clear that letters need to be banned unless my interpretation of what is best for disadvantaged group trumps what these authors want in their books and what the public wants to read." "I mean, how do I stop the spread of intolerance if I can't even increase the volume of these symbols to a level that physically hurts those trying to disagree with me? "

  • Trudeau says Canadians will almost certainly probably get vaccines eventually

    OTTAWA – Prime Minister Trudeau stated that Canadians would not be receiving any of the initial batches of COVID-19 vaccines when they are produced as Canada cannot actually produce any. Instead, despite the well-known truism that "sharing is caring," they will go to citizens of the countries actually doing the work such as the UK, US, and Germany. "Now, I am not blaming anyone, but a certain former prime minister who shall remain nameless should have dealt with this in 2009 when it was recognized as an issue regarding H1N1. Clearly that was the time to deal with this and not at any point since then," Trudeau said outside Rideau Cottage Wednesday. "Canada has made it clear it believes the developed countries able to make them should not gobble up all the vaccines and that they should be distributed fairly with the developing world. And have you seen some of our First Nations reserves? Still haven't even gotten clean drinking water on a bunch of them so pretty sure we qualify here. Anyway, I know Canadians believe that if we could make these drugs, we would recognize our red and white privilege and try to help others who were less fortunate. Wait, please don't include that last sentence, I meant the flag but it sounds kinda racist. You know, First Nations, red, just please cut it. Pretty sure you guys owe me," Trudeau told reporters while winking. International relations expert Sandra Bohert explained it was likely Canada would be amongst the last countries to receive vaccinations. "Canadians are just too polite and conflict averse for this hard-elbows game. I just watched Palacio de los López, President of Paraguay, pretend to have a conversation with the Czech Republic president so he could cut ahead of Prime Minister Trudeau in the line to receive vaccines." According to witnesses to the scene, Trudeau turned towards de los López as if to complain and then turned away, pretending as if nothing had happened.

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