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OTTAWA – Numerous government officials across Canada have responded to reports that they ignored public health recommendations meant to limit the spread of COVID-19 by attending a 'ghoulish politician-only orgy' instead of staying home over Christmas. "I know I screwed up," stated Conservative MPP and former finance minister Rodd Phillips of Ontario. "You have to understand that our job is very stressful. Everyone loves front-line grocery store clerks right now and if you compare my pay to theirs, it shows I worked about seven times harder. Sometimes you just need to unwind by diving head first into a writhing mass of sweaty, naked, elected human flesh." "I know we have been saying that we are all in this together," Liberal MPP Pierre Arcand of Quebec told reporters. "And we are! Just like I was all together in that lubed up pile with my esteemed colleagues. But let's be clear here, I only violated the spirit of the law. I think we can all agree that 'not technically illegal' is already a pretty high bar to expect our elected representatives to clear." For Albertan politicians, it might be easier to list those who did not attend the orgy. "Of course stopping the spread of COVID is our number one goal," explained Alberta's Municipal Affairs Minister Tracy Allard. "It just seemed everyone was doing such a good job of that by cancelling their plans to see their families over Christmas that it wasn't a big deal for me to engage in a little democratic quorum-tonguing with politicians from every city in the country." "I honestly don't see what the issue is," stated Calgary MLA Jeremy Nixon. "Refusing to listen to medical advice that stops me from doing what I want to do is pretty on brand for the UCP." "Anyway, the bodies of most politicians are actually pretty gross and flappy, plus I think I got pink eye so I feel my debt is repaid."

CALGARY — As hoards of flesh-hungry undead continue roaming through Canadian cities and feasting upon the living, several prominent anti-vaxxers are finding increased support for their anti-government message. "You think I'm going to take a vaccine rushed out by Big Pharma? Why would I when like 97 percent of the people who get the virus live? Well, continue existing as a soulless, shambling husk anyway. Honestly, as someone who spends most of their time on the internet, I'm not sure I'd notice the difference," stated Jeremy Truthfreedom, host of the depressingly popular podcast, Freedoming Truth with Truthfreedom. "Sure, mobs of walking corpses may be eating people and destroying civilization , but they are mostly only able to catch the first responders, the old, and the sick. Why should I have to risk vaccine side-effects for their sake? And now I am hearing you'll have to get the vaccine before being allowed in the government's protective sequestration zones? I've been around long enough to know the real danger is whatever the government wants to do to our precious bodily fluids." Dr. Lauren Reynard, an expert on pharmaceutical economics at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, disagreed with Mr. Truthfreedom's concerns. "Jesus. Yes, there are some shady practices in how the pharmaceutical companies do their business and demonstrate the safety and efficacy of their drugs, and we should fix this, but there have never been any occurrences of vaccine side-effects that can in anyway compare to the catastrophe our society is experiencing." Dr. Reynard expressed that these vaccines were even safer than normal as they do not have preservatives or actual virus in them and that she was asking people nicely to please "do your part in ending this horrible chapter" by not being "stupid whiny babies." We reached out to Mr. Truthfreedom for a response to Dr. Reynard's statement and he reiterated his initial stance, adding that he "won't even wear government-mandated Kevlar armour" because he finds it "mildly uncomfortable" and "pointless because it's not even 100 percent effective." It is likely Mr. Truthfreedom had more to say but he was unfortunately eaten by zombies mid-interview. He was survived by his cat Roamer and his near-mint condition McDonald's Happy Meal collectibles.

OTTAWA – In response to Wednesday's leaked report that Prime Minister Trudeau and other top government officials were secretly injecting themselves with COVID-19, the Post Inquirer Globe and Review Star Examiner confronted Trudeau while he was on his regular morning excursion to purchase delightful socks. "Sometimes you just have to preemptively admit you are beaten and to wretchedly prostrate yourself in the hopes whatever it is consumes you last," Trudeau explained in response to concerns that the virus was destabilizing the global system, was apathetic to the rights and liberties of humanity and was aggressively expanding within the South China Sea. "Remember that sleazy character Beni from the 90s classic The Mummy? He sided with the mummy to save his own skin, and although I never actually saw the end of that movie, I'm pretty sure it worked out for him." "I'm almost totally positive the health experts agree with me that COVID-19 should be invited into the veins of Canadians as part of a goodwill training exercise. It stands to reason that the virus will be less hostile once it more intimately understands our vulnerabilities," Trudeau explained. "What? No, I don't agree with... Jesus, the whole point of a medical system is so we don't all get infected," explained Canada's Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam when approached for comment. "I mean, the US is finally fully on board for confronting this thing as an allied bloc, why are we acting as a fifth column in support of something so clearly hostile to our existence? Plus think of the poor Michaels!" The Michaels Companies is the largest specialty arts and crafts store in North America and COVID has been very hard on their bottom line. When reached for comment on Trudeau's unabashedly pro-COVID position, Brigadier General Zoltán Bubeník, Chairman of the Committee of Chiefs of Military Medical Services in NATO, responded, "Wait, what? Goddammit Canada." "I agree this doesn't seem like an ideal position to be in," acknowledged Trudeau, "But my strategy of 'preemptive invitation' towards hostile forces has always worked for vampires. Do you see them causing us any trouble?" "Also, why are you media people hounding me about this? You should be looking into why my staff keep being found dead with all their blood missing."

STEINBACH, MB. — On Friday, Ted from Steinbach was finally validated in his unwavering and unpleasantly loud belief that COVID-19 was fake. "He didn't fall for it! It was supposed to be the most epic practical joke of all time," Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, Director-General of the World Health Organization, told reporters. "We had everyone in on it, the scientists, the media, China, Iran, Brazil, India, everyone! We even had President Trump act like a huge asshole and downplay it to gain credibility with the doubters and then pretend to get it himself! And Ted somehow saw right through it all!" "I knew we were in trouble when he went into the Steinbach Hospital and some of the actors were on lunch so we didn't have enough people to make it look convincing. We tried to make excuses like 'Of course we wouldn't fill a waiting room during a contagious pandemic,' but he saw right through them. Ugh, all those fake bodies, shutting down the world economy, the social isolation, all for nothing. But how were we supposed to know that Ted was so smart and not gullible that he only gets his information from QAnon threads and social media memes?" Ted claims he never for a second thought that COVID-19 had been real. "I mean, they said they had the experts changing their health recommendations because 'new evidence' was coming in, but when I read evidence on a very credible MySpace page that it was actually a Chinese bio-weapon, they didn't even recommend bombing China! Plus, they were saying I should wear a mask so others wouldn't get sick? How does that make sense?" "Though it was a nice touch to have the other COVID denying actors mostly behave like unhinged lunatics. Anyway, I do appreciate humanity finally coming clean on this," Ted told reporters. "Thankfully with the lockdown ending, I can go back to my true love; accusing Sandy Hook parents of being actors." A global referendum on whether humanity should come clean to Ted regarding 9/11, the moon landing, the JFK assassination, and the earth actually not being round is scheduled for June 2021, although it would only be a formality since Ted was somehow already aware those were all fake.

OTTAWA – During Tuesday's fiscal update, Prime Minister Trudeau emphasized that it is a sign of good government that Canada is running the largest deficit relative to its GDP of any major economy. "Let's be honest, government isn't good at that many things. Cutting checks to people is pretty much it, so the fact we are cutting the most checks is actually proof we are doing the best at governing," Trudeau told reporters outside the Rideau Cottage. "Anyway, I just really wanted to do the whole Oprah thing. You know, 'you get a car, you get a car.' Except I get to do it with billions of dollars of other people's money, essentially bribing Canadians with their own cash so they will let me keep being in charge of their country." "Plus, when my dad wracked up the debt almost 60 percent, it was some Mulroney guy who had to deal with it. So, you know, no harm, no foul." Chrystia Freeland, who is now the Deputy Prime Minister, Minister of Finance, and Deputy Minister of Sure, I Guess I'll Cover That Too, has explained that Canadians should not worry about the debt being accumulated for their children. "Even though we are nearing the reckless spending that caused Canada to be referred to as an 'honorary member of the third world' in the 90s, these are just temporary massive pandemic deficits. They are completely different from the massive non-pandemic deficits we were running prior to COVID," Freeland told reporters. "You can trust me with the piggy bank Canada. I understand wealth creation, something I think is clear from my book, Devouring the Rich to Gain their Strength." Trudeau reiterated that now is not the time for an actual budget. "Those things are a lot of work and then require you to kind of actually follow them and then people actually can check where the money is going. If I wanted boring, I wouldn't have canned Morneau. Anyway, I am still hoping to use COVID as an excuse to completely overhaul everything so I want to be ready if Canadians suddenly change their minds and decide they aren't deathly terrified by that notion." "I really don't get this whole hang-up most people have with money," stated Trudeau as he prepared to board a jet to fly to a friend's private island for lunch. "Easy come, easy go, I say. I never worried about money growing up and my account never seemed to be empty. Must be a spiritual thing, most people are too materialistic. Anyway, if Canada needs some cash, it can just go do some speaking gigs for WE Charity."

TORONTO – Employees of publisher Penguin Random House are up in arms over the use of the alphabet in their company's operations after discovering that the letters and words they were publishing were often ordered differently than they had been in their undergraduate Women's Studies course. "I don't know if people know this but letters can spell anything. I grew up being taught that 'A' is for apple – and it is! – but 'F' is also for fascism," stated one employee with blue hair, "How can I work with these symbols when they can just betray me like that?" "It's true that I can use letters to spell something so important that I spray paint it on a grocery store, like 'smash patriarchy' or 'ACAB.' However, some writers use those same letters to write articles persuading the public that it is bad to destroy public property or ratchet up a hostile 'us versus them' mentality against everyone who works in law enforcement," said another employee with pink hair. "Know who else liked public order and not attacking law enforcement? The Nazis." "It's just too much. I wouldn't have taken a job with a publisher if I thought letters could be organized in a way I disagreed with," said the blue-haired employee. "I think it's pretty clear that letters need to be banned unless my interpretation of what is best for disadvantaged groups isn't what we are printing, instead of, you know, what the public wants to read." "Not that letters were ever that good. I mean, I can't even increase their volume to the point they physically hurt those who disagree with me."

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Trudeau stated that Canadians would not be receiving any of the initial batches of COVID-19 vaccines when they are produced as Canada cannot actually produce any. Instead, despite the well-known truism that "sharing is caring," they will go to citizens of the countries actually doing the work such as the UK, US, and Germany. "Now, I am not blaming anyone, but a certain former prime minister who shall remain nameless should have dealt with this in 2009 when it was recognized as an issue regarding H1N1. Clearly that was the time to deal with this and not at any point since then," Trudeau said outside Rideau Cottage Wednesday. "Canada has made it clear it believes the developed countries able to make them should not gobble up all the vaccines and that they should be distributed fairly with the developing world. And have you seen some of our First Nations reserves? Still haven't even gotten clean drinking water on a bunch of them so pretty sure we qualify here. Anyway, I know Canadians believe that if we could make these drugs, we would recognize our red and white privilege and try to help others who were less fortunate. Wait, please don't include that last sentence, I meant the flag but it sounds kinda racist. You know, First Nations, red, just please cut it. Pretty sure you guys owe me," Trudeau told reporters while winking. International relations expert Sandra Bohert explained it was likely Canada would be amongst the last countries to receive vaccinations. "Canadians are just too polite and conflict averse for this hard-elbows game. I just watched Palacio de los López, President of Paraguay, pretend to have a conversation with the Czech Republic president so he could cut ahead of Prime Minister Trudeau in the line to receive vaccines." According to witnesses to the scene, Trudeau turned towards de los López as if to complain and then turned away, pretending as if nothing had happened.