CALGARY — As hoards of flesh-hungry undead continue roaming through Canadian cities and feasting upon the living, several prominent anti-vaxxers are finding increased support for their anti-government message.
"You think I'm going to take a vaccine rushed out by Big Pharma? Why would I when like 97 percent of the people who get the virus live? Well, continue existing as a soulless, shambling husk anyway. Honestly, as someone who spends most of their time on the internet, I'm not sure I'd notice the difference," stated Jeremy Truthfreedom, host of the depressingly popular podcast, Freedoming Truth with Truthfreedom.
"Sure, mobs of walking corpses may be eating people and destroying civilization , but they are mostly only able to catch the first responders, the old, and the sick. Why should I have to risk vaccine side-effects for their sake? And now I am hearing you'll have to get the vaccine before being allowed in the government's protective sequestration zones? I've been around long enough to know the real danger is whatever the government wants to do to our precious bodily fluids."
Dr. Lauren Reynard, an expert on pharmaceutical economics at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, disagreed with Mr. Truthfreedom's concerns. "Jesus. Yes, there are some shady practices in how the pharmaceutical companies do their business and demonstrate the safety and efficacy of their drugs, and we should fix this, but there have never been any occurrences of vaccine side-effects that can in anyway compare to the catastrophe our society is experiencing."
Dr. Reynard expressed that these vaccines were even safer than normal as they do not have preservatives or actual virus in them and that she was asking people nicely to please "do your part in ending this horrible chapter" by not being "stupid whiny babies."
We reached out to Mr. Truthfreedom for a response to Dr. Reynard's statement and he reiterated his initial stance, adding that he "won't even wear government-mandated Kevlar armour" because he finds it "mildly uncomfortable" and "pointless because it's not even 100 percent effective."
It is likely Mr. Truthfreedom had more to say but he was unfortunately eaten by zombies mid-interview. He was survived by his cat Roamer and his near-mint condition McDonald's Happy Meal collectibles.