OTTAWA – In response to Wednesday's leaked report that Prime Minister Trudeau and other top government officials were secretly injecting themselves with COVID-19, the Post Inquirer Globe and Review Star Examiner confronted Trudeau while he was on his regular morning excursion to purchase delightful socks.
"Sometimes you just have to preemptively admit you are beaten and to wretchedly prostrate yourself in the hopes whatever it is consumes you last," Trudeau explained in response to concerns that the virus was destabilizing the global system, was apathetic to the rights and liberties of humanity and was aggressively expanding within the South China Sea.
"Remember that sleazy character Beni from the 90s classic The Mummy? He sided with the mummy to save his own skin, and although I never actually saw the end of that movie, I'm pretty sure it worked out for him."
"I'm almost totally positive the health experts agree with me that COVID-19 should be invited into the veins of Canadians as part of a goodwill training exercise. It stands to reason that the virus will be less hostile once it more intimately understands our vulnerabilities," Trudeau explained.
"What? No, I don't agree with... Jesus, the whole point of a medical system is so we don't all get infected," explained Canada's Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam when approached for comment. "I mean, the US is finally fully on board for confronting this thing as an allied bloc, why are we acting as a fifth column in support of something so clearly hostile to our existence? Plus think of the poor Michaels!"
The Michaels Companies is the largest specialty arts and crafts store in North America and COVID has been very hard on their bottom line.
When reached for comment on Trudeau's unabashedly pro-COVID position, Brigadier General Zoltán Bubeník, Chairman of the Committee of Chiefs of Military Medical Services in NATO, responded, "Wait, what? Goddammit Canada."
"I agree this doesn't seem like an ideal position to be in," acknowledged Trudeau, "But my strategy of 'preemptive invitation' towards hostile forces has always worked for vampires. Do you see them causing us any trouble?"
"Also, why are you media people hounding me about this? You should be looking into why my staff keep being dead with all their blood missing."