13 results found
- God goes on book tour, explains why Newfoundlanders "must be cleansed"
ST. JOHN'S, N.L. — As Newfoundland teeters on the brink of bankruptcy and struggles with an outbreak of the more virulent British COVID variant, God is on tour to promote the sale of a previously unreleased book of the Bible. As part of the tour, God spoke with Tom Power on CBC's arts and culture radio show Q. "I've been getting all these prayers for help and strength from people in Newfoundland so it seemed like the right time to release this book because it explains all the suffering," God told Power on Monday's episode. "It was actually supposed to be in the original version between Numbers and Deuteronomy but there was an issue with the publisher when they were slaughtered by some Romans." "Anyway, the book talks about how Newfies – oh shit, that's like a slur now, right? Sorry. The book explains that Newfoundlanders are actually the Unchosen People. Figured their weather should have tipped them off." "Basically, the book – working title is Newfrownland. I know, not great – needed a foil to the Jews and I tried to think of some people who were sort've the opposite of Middle Eastern Semites. Newfoundlanders just came to mind." "I don't even dislike the people there," God told Power. "They seem super friendly and that Kissing the Cod thing makes me laugh, but I needed an antagonist and had written myself into a corner by having the Jews wipe out the Canaanites too early in the story. Though leaving it out back then might have been for the best because I don't know how they could have made that conflict work, totally forgot what a barrier time and distance are for you guys." "Honestly, I'm pretty amazed the original sold so well. I mean, the New Testament was some solid work, but the editing was pretty incoherent and, oh man - the Old Testament. I was in a dark, weird place when I wrote that. All that stuff about she-bears ripping up kids, turning women into pillars of salt. Ha, I won't go into the details but let's just say I can relate to how Stephen King wrote Kujo." "Anyway, that's the whole story, Newfoundlanders and Jews are supposed to be mortal enemies in a genocidal conflict. I'll let you guys figure out how to make that work." "Oh, and Labrador, we're cool."
- Liberals launch new ad campaign stating vaccinations are a leading cause of climate change
OTTAWA – As Canada struggles to secure vaccines and inoculation rates fall below peer nations such as the UK or even Serbia, the Trudeau Liberals have begun an ad campaign expressing that not vaccinating is part of their coordinated strategy to fight climate change. The campaign focuses on the upsides of COVID-related lockdowns and mortality in reducing the national carbon output with slogans such as "Reduce, Reuse, Retrovirus," "Vote for Malthus," and "Grandmas Aren't Green." When asked if this unusual strategy was meant to deflect from the fact Canada has spent more per capita on vaccines than any other country and still has none, Prime Minister Trudeau told reporters that, "That's a very good question, it is so important to not get sidetracked on these important issues. That's why our government is dedicated to planting two billion trees. Did you know the Conservatives barely even have a climate change plan? Derek Sloan." A Liberal insider speaking to our reporter on condition of anonymity was willing to explain the cause of the party's shift in messaging. "First, we decided that relying on China for our vaccines should make them feel better about that whole Meng Wanzhou thing. You know, like a trust exercise. Surprisingly, that didn't work out. Should have gone with Russia." "Next, we decided to turn down the experienced Canadian companies offering to make vaccine for us and instead trust in the renowned speed and efficiency of the public sector to build a brand new Biologics Manufacturing Centre. However, all of the government employees insisted on working from home so it never got started and all of the funding for it went into buying them work-from-home chairs." "Eventually we just pulled out the checkbook. We now have pre-orders for six different vaccines equaling about nine doses per Canadian, but the companies aren't giving them to us so our current strategy is to mooch out of the vaccine stash meant for poor countries. It's basically like if the Rose family from Schitt's Creek was a country." "People used to complain Canada doesn't make things, that we are hewers of wood and drawers of water," Opposition Leader Erin O'Toole told reporters when asked for comment. "Well, jokes on them, now we are bad at those and don't know how to buy things." "I mean, a good chunk of my party wouldn't use the vaccine even if it was available but it's nice to have the option, you know?"
- Governor general resigns and goes back to space home
OTTAWA – Following media reports about the existence of an unreleased independent workplace review showing she presided over a toxic work environment at Rideau Hall, Governor General Julie Payette has resigned and plans to return to space to be with her own kind. "It was like she was out of that Horrible Bosses movie," one Rideau Hall staff member told our reporter. "She set really unreasonable deadlines and would also demand that we allow these crawly hand things to climb onto our faces so they could lay their eggs in our abdomen." "I consider myself a no-nonsense public servant who can handle strong personalities," another staffer said, "But it was tough to watch her berating Dennis for having to pause during his briefing after some kind of torso-rupture monster burst out of his chest mid-Indigenous land acknowledgment." "People are saying I don't empathize well with people," Payette told reporters. "And I'm like, yeah. Dur. I was here investigating the suitability of your species as a source of living incubators for our brood. Hey, don't give me that look! I've seen how you treat your pigs and cows, you don't get to judge me." "Anyway, your Hive Lord told me I need to attend these boring ceremonies even though I don't know anything about your history or traditions. Still, he said I was a great choice to fill this role because I was a smaller minority than Indigenous people but wouldn't ask uncomfortable questions about meeting clean water benchmarks or UNDRIP promises." Prime Minister Trudeau has stated that he understands he made an error in selecting someone with no relevant knowledge or experience or aptitude for the position, but that his next nomination should go much better. The short list of candidates consists of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and George Floyd. Taxpayers will remain on the hook for the cost of the former Governor General's pension, as well as repairs and a biohazard cleanup after a papercut she suffered on the job burned through Rideau Hall's floor and foundation.
- Quebec borrows from hit TV show Mandalorian in attempt to boost curfew's popularity
QUEBEC CITY – In an effort to boost the popularity of the 8 p.m. curfew that they implemented to reduce the spread of COVID, Quebec politicians are hoping to borrow some of the enthusiasm around Disney's hit TV show, The Mandalorian. Municipal bylaw officers will now be wearing the familiar armour of the show's titular bounty hunter, Din Djarin. "We think this is a fun way to get the whole family on board with preventing the spread of COVID," Premier François Legault told reporters outside the Parliament Building. "We know this feels like a somewhat confusing policy choice, but that actually isn't inconsistent with our overall curfew strategy." The decision has raised some eyebrows amongst other Quebec politicians. "I was actually pretty concerned about what having to buy all of these costumes and the associated Disney licensing fees would do to our already hurting municipal balance sheet," Maxime Pedneaud-Jobin, Mayor of Gatineau told reporters Thursday. "But when I asked the Premier about whether this was a good use of resources during a pandemic, he just told me he found my lack of faith disturbing." Pierre Williams, former Montreal restauranteur and owner of l'Oiseau Malodorant, has had a run-in with one of the costumed officers. "Our restaurant folded during the COVID lockdown and I was having another rough fight about money with the wife, so I decided to go for a walk to cool off before I said or did something I'd regret," Williams told our reporter. "I'm walking through the park and boom, I bump right into the Mando. Thought he was some crazy cosplayer until he tells me I am violating the city's bylaws." "I tell the guy that my family is struggling but I'll try and scrape the money together. He tells me there is do or do not, there is no try, and we both had a good laugh. You know, because it's from Star Wars. Really took the edge off of the $1500 ordinance violation fine."
- Canada joins UN peacekeeping mission to prevent civil war, asks if it can bunk with Brazil for a bit
OTTAWA — Members of the Canadian Armed Forces are joining a UN peacekeeping mission launched in an American nation in response to an outbreak of domestic hostilities. Long-standing political unrest is boiling over into full-blown civil war with allies of the current president attempting to use force and poorly conceived arguments to overturn his loss in the recent election, deemed "legitimate but Christ, count faster. No Arizona, don't take the night off!" by UN observers. "There has been growing distrust between the major two tribes within the region, referred to in common parlance as the smelly bearded-red hats and the pinky haired-no bras," Roland Myers, Professor of Political Science at Queen's University told the Post Inquirer Globe and Review Star Examiner. "Well, I call them that anyway." "Both are accusing the other of being tyrants and stealing the nation's wealth when in power, which is pretty standard in developing democracies where tribal ties are still paramount and the ruling party robs the treasury to make it rain for their supporters. Kids still say 'make it rain,' right? Like, with throwing the money? Actually, that sounds stupid, please don't include that part," stated Professor Myers. "What is unusual here is that the treasury is getting robbed but the supporters get nothing, yet they still consider it a win as long as the opposing supporters also get nothing." "This will be a difficult mission for Canada," Minister of National Defence Harjit Sajjan told reporters. "The locals are habituated to a background level of violence comparable to Medieval Europe and even the non-combatants are considerably better armed than our troops." "Honestly, the UN should have stepped in sooner as it appears this crisis started some time ago. The makeshift shanty towns filling their major cities suggests an internal refugee crisis and many of their citizens don't have access to medical attention. Actually, have never had access to medical attention," stated Minister Sajjan. "Also, I keep stepping in human poop, which is pretty fucked up." "Fortunately, the situation hasn't deteriorated beyond repair yet. The logistics behind food production and distribution are still operating within the country. Possibly too well." "As a nation dedicated to peacekeeping, Canada is proud to support the noble UN peacekeeping force in this mission," Prime Minister Trudeau told reporters. "Although I'd appreciate if the force would engage in a tad less *cough* sexual abuse and human trafficking *cough*?" In related news, at 3:25 a.m. last night President Trump tweeted an image of the two sides clashing with the statement: "Look at these vicious THUGS. I guarantee Sleepy Joe will let in more lazy refugees from whatever shithole country this is. SAD. This is why you need to get on the streets and fight for your Prez! #stopthesteal"
- Trump finds unlikely support for overturning election results in Trudeau
OTTAWA – While the US Congress is scheduled to count the Electoral College votes tomorrow and ratify November's election, President Trump has been putting extreme pressure on Republican lawmakers to reject the votes in states Trump lost in. Although Trump's argument that he won but wide-scale fraud cost him the election has been roundly rejected in the courts, it has found surprising support amongst current Canadian prime ministers. "I have to agree that Trump actually won the election and should stay as president," Trudeau told reporters outside Rideau Cottage, "He needs to. I mean, let's face it, the only way a progressive politician gets away with not even knowing how many times he has done blackface is by having a horrible, ridiculous orange-faced maniac next door who is also always having a non-stop mental breakdown in public. It's been like being on Cutthroat Kitchen except one of the chefs is a literal baboon whipping its own shit all over everyone. In those circumstances, the judges aren't going to comment on my soufflé failing to rise." With Trump's removal from office seeming inevitable, the Liberal Party has been polling to find a replacement politician for Trudeau to compare favourably with. One recent Ipsos Reid phone poll asked Canadians questions like, 'Could you see a guy pushing violent Hindu nationalism distracting you from the exponential growth of our national debt?' and 'How about a dude brutalizing our old allies the Kurds? Would that make you stop tweeting about this government's numerous ethics violations?' "I don't think Erin O'Toole is going to be able to adequately fill the role, he isn't actually particularly terrible a guy," one Liberal strategist told reporters, "I mean, we'll smear him as a frothing Atilla the Klansmen Hun anyway, but mostly just to stay in practice. Also, it's fun." "This should be easy, there are lots of loud, super-cis dudes ruining good countries out there: Modi, Erdogan, Orbán, Duda, Bolsonaro... I just don't think any of them will really work as a proper heel for Canadians. Probably because Canadians aren't good with languages and have no idea what they are saying," Trudeau told reporters. "Boris Johnson is a conservative doing Brexit and has the right hair but when the media is about to ask me uncomfortable questions about WE Charity, will Boris suddenly tweet that China made up global warming or that COVID-19 is nothing right after being hospitalized for it or that the election was rigged, even though he had just won it? I don't think so." "You just... you just don't know who really matters to you until you lose them..." At this point in the press conference, Rhianna's "Stay" began playing from the Rideau Cottage's speakers and Prime Minister Trudeau stared off longingly and misty-eyed until it became super awkward for the reporters and they left.
- Government officials apologize for attending 'not technically illegal' orgy during COVID lockdown
OTTAWA – Numerous government officials across Canada have responded to reports that they ignored public health recommendations meant to limit the spread of COVID-19 by attending a 'ghoulish politician-only orgy' instead of staying home over Christmas. "I know I screwed up," stated Conservative MPP and former finance minister Rodd Phillips of Ontario. "You have to understand that our job is very stressful. Everyone loves front-line grocery store clerks right now and if you compare my pay to theirs, it shows I worked about seven times harder. Sometimes you just need to unwind by diving head first into a writhing mass of sweaty, naked, elected human flesh." "I know we have been saying that we are all in this together," Liberal MPP Pierre Arcand of Quebec told reporters. "And we are! Just like I was all together in that lubed up pile with my esteemed colleagues. But let's be clear here, I only violated the spirit of the law. I think we can all agree that 'not technically illegal' is already a pretty high bar to expect our elected representatives to clear." For Albertan politicians, it might be easier to list those who did not attend the orgy. "Of course stopping the spread of COVID is our number one goal," explained Alberta's Municipal Affairs Minister Tracy Allard. "It just seemed everyone was doing such a good job of that by cancelling their plans to see their families over Christmas that it wasn't a big deal for me to engage in a little democratic quorum-tonguing with politicians from every city in the country." "I honestly don't see what the issue is," stated Calgary MLA Jeremy Nixon. "Refusing to listen to medical advice that stops me from doing what I want to do is pretty on brand for the UCP." "Anyway, the bodies of most politicians are actually pretty gross and flappy, plus I think I got pink eye so I feel my debt is repaid."
- 'Give me liberty or give me death' states anti-vaxxer moments before being devoured by zombies
CALGARY — As hoards of flesh-hungry undead continue roaming through Canadian cities and feasting upon the living, several prominent anti-vaxxers are finding increased support for their anti-government message. "You think I'm going to take a vaccine rushed out by Big Pharma? Why would I when like 97 percent of the people who get the virus live? Well, continue existing as a soulless, shambling husk anyway. Honestly, as someone who spends most of their time on the internet, I'm not sure I'd notice the difference," stated Jeremy Truthfreedom, host of the depressingly popular podcast, Freedoming Truth with Truthfreedom. "Sure, mobs of walking corpses may be eating people and destroying civilization , but they are mostly only able to catch the first responders, the old, and the sick. Why should I have to risk vaccine side-effects for their sake? And now I am hearing you'll have to get the vaccine before being allowed in the government's protective sequestration zones? I've been around long enough to know the real danger is whatever the government wants to do to our precious bodily fluids." Dr. Lauren Reynard, an expert on pharmaceutical economics at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, disagreed with Mr. Truthfreedom's concerns. "Jesus. Yes, there are some shady practices in how the pharmaceutical companies do their business and demonstrate the safety and efficacy of their drugs, and we should fix this, but there have never been any occurrences of vaccine side-effects that can in anyway compare to the catastrophe our society is experiencing." Dr. Reynard expressed that these vaccines were even safer than normal as they do not have preservatives or actual virus in them and that she was asking people nicely to please "do your part in ending this horrible chapter" by not being "stupid whiny babies." We reached out to Mr. Truthfreedom for a response to Dr. Reynard's statement and he reiterated his initial stance, adding that he "won't even wear government-mandated Kevlar armour" because he finds it "mildly uncomfortable" and "pointless because it's not even 100 percent effective." It is likely Mr. Truthfreedom had more to say but he was unfortunately eaten by zombies mid-interview. He was survived by his cat Roamer and his near-mint condition McDonald's Happy Meal collectibles.
- Trudeau explains they can't invade you if you invite them in first
OTTAWA – In response to Wednesday's leaked report that Prime Minister Trudeau and other top government officials were secretly injecting themselves with COVID-19, the Post Inquirer Globe and Review Star Examiner confronted Trudeau while he was on his regular morning excursion to purchase delightful socks. "Sometimes you just have to preemptively admit you are beaten and to wretchedly prostrate yourself in the hopes whatever it is consumes you last," Trudeau explained in response to concerns that the virus was destabilizing the global system, was apathetic to the rights and liberties of humanity and was aggressively expanding within the South China Sea. "Remember that sleazy character Beni from the 90s classic The Mummy? He sided with the mummy to save his own skin, and although I never actually saw the end of that movie, I'm pretty sure it worked out for him." "I'm almost totally positive the health experts agree with me that COVID-19 should be invited into the veins of Canadians as part of a goodwill training exercise. It stands to reason that the virus will be less hostile once it more intimately understands our vulnerabilities," Trudeau explained. "What? No, I don't agree with... Jesus, the whole point of a medical system is so we don't all get infected," explained Canada's Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam when approached for comment. "I mean, the US is finally fully on board for confronting this thing as an allied bloc, why are we acting as a fifth column in support of something so clearly hostile to our existence? Plus think of the poor Michaels!" The Michaels Companies is the largest specialty arts and crafts store in North America and COVID has been very hard on their bottom line. When reached for comment on Trudeau's unabashedly pro-COVID position, Brigadier General Zoltán Bubeník, Chairman of the Committee of Chiefs of Military Medical Services in NATO, responded, "Wait, what? Goddammit Canada." "I agree this doesn't seem like an ideal position to be in," acknowledged Trudeau, "But my strategy of 'preemptive invitation' towards hostile forces has always worked for vampires. Do you see them causing us any trouble?" "Also, why are you media people hounding me about this? You should be looking into why my staff keep being dead with all their blood missing."
- Humanity finally admits to Ted from Steinbach that he was correct and COVID-19 was never real
STEINBACH, MB. — On Friday, Ted from Steinbach was finally validated in his unwavering and unpleasantly loud belief that COVID-19 was fake. "He didn't fall for it! It was supposed to be the most epic practical joke of all time," Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, Director-General of the World Health Organization, told reporters. "We had everyone in on it, the scientists, the media, China, Iran, Brazil, India, everyone! We even had President Trump act like a huge asshole and downplay it to gain credibility with the doubters and then pretend to get it himself! And Ted somehow saw right through it all!" "I knew we were in trouble when he went into the Steinbach Hospital and some of the actors were on lunch so we didn't have enough people to make it look convincing. We tried to make excuses like 'Of course we wouldn't fill a waiting room during a contagious pandemic,' but he saw right through them. Ugh, all those fake bodies, shutting down the world economy, the social isolation, all for nothing. But how were we supposed to know that Ted was so smart and not gullible that he only gets his information from QAnon threads and social media memes?" Ted claims he never for a second thought that COVID-19 had been real. "I mean, they said they had the experts changing their health recommendations because 'new evidence' was coming in, but when I read evidence on a very credible MySpace page that it was actually a Chinese bio-weapon, they didn't even recommend bombing China! Plus, they were saying I should wear a mask so others wouldn't get sick? How does that benefit me?" "Though it was a nice touch to have the other COVID denying actors mostly behave like unhinged lunatics. Anyway, I do appreciate humanity finally coming clean on this," Ted told reporters. "Thankfully with the lockdown ending, I can go back to my true love; accusing Sandy Hook parents of being actors." A global referendum on whether humanity should also come clean to Ted regarding 9/11, the moon landing, the JFK assassination, and the earth actually being flat is scheduled for June 2021, although it would just be a formality since Ted somehow already knew they were all fake.