19 results found
- White supremacists infiltrate Global Affairs Canada, teach staff "correct" way to shit on minorities
OTTAWA – Several white supremacists have stepped forward to take credit following reporting that Global Affairs Canada has been instructing their employees on how not to be racist via embracing racial stereotypes. "I've been loving this new ideology," stated Rex Dobson, a white ethno-nationalist who has been providing anti-racism training at Global Affairs. "I get to say stuff like only white people have a 'sense of urgency.' Do you know how hard it usually is to get paid to call minorities lazy?" "We also cripple them by teaching brown kids that 'perfectionism' and 'objectivity' are scary white people things," Hunter Clemmins, an anti-racist neo-Nazi told our reporter. "Hopefully soon we won't have to hide the data showing Chinese and Indo-Canadians actually outperform whites if we can make them embrace good enoughism and 'subjective' math. Though I might avoid bridges." "Anyway, by telling them science and success is racist and that effort is pointless because they will always be victims, they will hopefully start becoming liberal arts majors. This of course precludes any chance of actual achievement." "Amazing how we suddenly aren't alone on wanting to fixate on group differences using broad, race-based generalizations," said Dobson. "Thank god these people are too busy sending each other MLK memes to actually read anything he wrote." In related news, Global Affairs Canada just announced its new anti-racist slogan: "Voting, Reproducing, and Avoiding Asphyxiation are Signs of Whiteness."
- Liberal Party promises to borrow money if reelected, also to print money, also if elected later
OTTAWA – Following their uneventful convention last week, the Liberal Party has released their platform for the predicted upcoming election that they claim would have support from all "chronological chauvinists." "With the in-fighting at the highly charged Conservative and NDP conventions, we were reminded about all the debate and negotiating necessary to unify a party of competing interests behind a single set of priorities," Prime Minister Trudeau told reporters outside Rideau Cottage. "Canadians were reminded just how messy and challenging real, honest democracy is." "And I thought to myself, "Nope! Not having that!"" "Fortunately, we've found a solution for the age-old problem of needing to engage in political compromise," Phil Branford, a Liberal strategist told our reporter. "Instead of scarce resources leading to tough decisions, turns out we can actually just take them from future generations to pay for whatever exorbitant policies we have decided to steal from the NDP." "I know that COVID-19 is ending, the economy is already starting to rev up, and usually politicians would be starting to think of how to repay some of this," Trudeau told reporters, "But I feel some people may not vote for me if I don't borrow $100 billion to spend on their pet issue and I firmly believe that I want to be elected again." "Anyway, young Canadians should check their privilege. As a black-faced man, I feel it will be good to for them to experience their share of indentured servitude."
- NDP convention supports resolution banning "complexity"
OTTAWA – During a three-day online convention that has had party members voting on resolutions to determine what should become part of the NDP's platform in the next election, there was overwhelming support for the party to adopt a policy that would make complexity illegal. "Complexity has always been something we felt was unfairly biased against our party and our policies," NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh told reporters at the convention. "As the party of idealistic young people, what else do you call something that prevents good intentions and simple solutions from translating into positive outcomes?" "This was great to hear," Sara Finkle, a young NDP member who voted in support of the resolution told our reporter. "It will get rid of some of the major criticisms voters have of our party, like our economic policies not addressing incentives and our foreign policy being based on John Lennon's Imagine." "The other option was convincing a convention of young, passionate leftists to support nuanced policy that acknowledges unintended consequences, but overturning causality just seemed easier."
- CAF in crisis over sexual misconduct allegations, potted fern selected as new chief of defense staff
OTTAWA -- In the aftermath of multiple sexual misconduct allegations that have rocked Canada's top military brass and left several key positions empty, the Trudeau government has finally found someone they consider safe enough to fill the top role in the Canadian Armed Forces. "Selecting our new chief of the Defence Staff was difficult," Trudeau told reporters. "Everyone I have selected recently has turned out to be kind of rapey. As were some senior CAF people who I didn't select. I'm pretty sure being kind of rapey is actually 90 percent of what the CAF does now." "I thought, how about a woman? That's on brand and they don't rape that much. But then I remembered all those news stories about female teachers and their students so that's still too risky." Prime Minister Trudeau explained he settled on the potted fern after seeing it in Rideau Cottage, where it sat on a small table in a hallway. "I liked how it just sat there everyday and didn't rape anyone," Trudeau told reporters. "Also, it agrees with my environmental agenda." The potted fern was made an honourary general and sworn in on Wednesday at 12 pm. However, it was removed from the position several hours later, following allegations by a female subordinate she had seen it openly releasing pollen in the workplace.
- Conservative Party votes to become the NDP
OTTAWA -- Following a three-day virtual party convention where a vote by party delegates took a surprising turn, Conservative Leader Erin O'Toole held a press conference to announce he is rebranding the Conservative Party of Canada as the New Democratic Party. "This was clearly a vote I wanted to go the other way. I wanted to rebrand the CPC as its own ready-to-lead party that had sane, modern ideas," O'Toole told reporters. "But who could have foreseen that making my base out of Canada's most socially conservative and conspiratorial-minded people could have draw-backs?" Some long-time CPC members have stated this vote did not actually represent the will of the majority of the party and that they are concerned that being a second NDP is not a good strategy for winning elections. "I can't be an NDP member! I run a business and the CPC is the only party that doesn't want to take all my money and spend it on work-from-home chairs for public-sector workers," Reggie Myers, owner of a sporting goods store and longtime CPC member told our reporter. "Plus, I'm too old to wear orange without looking ridiculous and pot gives me the spins now." Some of the Conservative delegates from the convention are defending the controversial vote. "The NDP have real principles and they stick by them no matter how much it makes actually implementing those principles impossible," stated Karen Kenney, a delegate from Stavely, Alberta. "It takes real character to consistently choose to stay irrelevant by engaging in non-stop alienating purity tests." When asked if he was concerned that the Liberals seemed determined to trigger an election, O'Toole replied, "Ha, why would I be? Honestly, this job is way less stressful when nobody expects your party to win."
- Bank of Canada against cooling the housing market, tweets diamond hands and rocket ship emojis
OTTAWA -- The Bank of Canada announced it is keeping its key interest rate target at 0.25 percent until the economic situation improves and also forever. "With the COVID situation, we need economic growth," Governor of the Bank of Canada and notable dumb name-haver Tiff Macklem told reporters. "Sometimes that means making money free to borrow and then putting the taxpayer on the hook for massive bank loans made to any Canadian able to stumble into a Money Mart and scrounge up five percent down for their third Airbnb property." "Then it's just a matter of printing money to buy all of our own bonds, praying no one notices, and hoping this stop rates from ever going up again." Several prominent economists have raised concerns with this strategy, noting that Canada's housing prices have increased three times faster than the second fastest growing G7 country since 2005 and that analysts are calling the Canadian market "one of the biggest bubbles of all time." The Bank of Canada has acknowledged some "frothy exuberance," but stated that they would not raise interest rates until they hit their inflation target of two percent. Although many have noted there already appears to be inflation far exceeding two percent, Bank of Canada analyst Ted Robins explained it is possible to technically stay below two percent by substituting items in the Consumer Price Index with cheaper alternatives. "For instance, the price of fitness equipment like dumbbells has gone through the roof so we substituted them with milk jugs filled with gravel," stated Robins. "Or you may have seen the cost of a two-by-four has increased from $3 pre-pandemic to $8 dollars now. Oops, that sounds a lot like inflation, so instead of looking at the cost of purchasing a 'two-by-four,' we substituted it with 'stealing a two-by-four from Home Depot.' Infinitely less expensive for the consumer. Boom, inflation averted. With Canadians getting these kinds of boosts to their purchasing power, we should successfully never hit our target." Prime Minister Trudeau has also come out and explained that his government would not be taking policy steps to cool the housing market. Critics have argued it seems unfair for the government to do nothing about this issue during a pandemic where the drastic lockdown measures designed primarily to protect higher risk, older people have mostly landed on the backs of younger, poorer Canadians. This is at the same time low interest rates have massively inflated the value of the houses and stocks overwhelmingly owned by those same older Canadians. When asked about this by reporters, Trudeau responded, "We of course sympathize with the young people who will now never be able to buy into the housing market because of the policies we deliberately selected. However, dealing with this issue might hurt homeowner equity prior to the next election and boomers actually vote. Plus, who could the young people even vote for? O'Toole? His hair sucks compared to mine." "Honestly, if they do need cash to buy in they should just talk with their dad, that's what I always did."
- God goes on book tour, explains why Newfoundlanders "must be cleansed"
ST. JOHN'S, N.L. — As Newfoundland teeters on the brink of bankruptcy and struggles with an outbreak of the more virulent British COVID variant, God is on tour to promote the sale of a previously unreleased book of the Bible. As part of the tour, God spoke with Tom Power on CBC's arts and culture radio show Q. "I've been getting all these prayers for help and strength from people in Newfoundland so it seemed like the right time to release this book because it explains all the suffering," God told Power on Monday's episode. "It was actually supposed to be in the original version between Numbers and Deuteronomy but there was an issue with the publisher when they were slaughtered by some Romans." "Anyway, the book talks about how Newfies – oh shit, that's like a slur now, right? Sorry. The book explains that Newfoundlanders are actually the Unchosen People. Figured their weather should have tipped them off." "Basically, the book – working title is Newfrownland. I know, not great – needed a foil to the Jews and I tried to think of some people who were sort've the opposite of Middle Eastern Semites. Newfoundlanders just came to mind." "I don't even dislike the people there," God told Power. "They seem super friendly and that Kissing the Cod thing makes me laugh, but I needed an antagonist and had written myself into a corner by having the Jews wipe out the Canaanites too early in the story. Though leaving it out back then might have been for the best because I don't know how they could have made that conflict work, totally forgot what a barrier time and distance are for you guys." "Honestly, I'm pretty amazed the original sold so well. I mean, the New Testament was some solid work, but the editing was pretty incoherent and, oh man - the Old Testament. I was in a dark, weird place when I wrote that. All that stuff about she-bears ripping up kids, turning women into pillars of salt. Ha, I won't go into the details but let's just say I can relate to how Stephen King wrote Kujo." "Anyway, that's the whole story, Newfoundlanders and Jews are supposed to be mortal enemies in a genocidal conflict. I'll let you guys figure out how to make that work." "Oh, and Labrador, we're cool."
- Liberals launch new ad campaign stating vaccinations are a leading cause of climate change
OTTAWA – As Canada struggles to secure vaccines and inoculation rates fall below peer nations such as the UK or even Serbia, the Trudeau Liberals have begun an ad campaign expressing that not vaccinating is part of their coordinated strategy to fight climate change. The campaign focuses on the upsides of COVID-related lockdowns and mortality in reducing the national carbon output with slogans such as "Reduce, Reuse, Retrovirus," "Vote for Malthus," and "Grandmas Aren't Green." When asked if this unusual strategy was meant to deflect from the fact Canada has spent more per capita on vaccines than any other country and still has none, Prime Minister Trudeau told reporters that, "That's a very good question, it is so important to not get sidetracked on these important issues. That's why our government is dedicated to planting two billion trees. Did you know the Conservatives barely even have a climate change plan? Derek Sloan." A Liberal insider speaking to our reporter on condition of anonymity was willing to explain the cause of the party's shift in messaging. "First, we decided that relying on China for our vaccines should make them feel better about that whole Meng Wanzhou thing. You know, like a trust exercise. Surprisingly, that didn't work out. Should have gone with Russia." "Next, we decided to turn down the experienced Canadian companies offering to make vaccine for us and instead trust in the renowned speed and efficiency of the public sector to build a brand new Biologics Manufacturing Centre. However, all of the government employees insisted on working from home so it never got started and all of the funding for it went into buying them work-from-home chairs." "Eventually we just pulled out the checkbook. We now have pre-orders for six different vaccines equaling about nine doses per Canadian, but the companies aren't giving them to us so our current strategy is to mooch out of the vaccine stash meant for poor countries. It's basically like if the Rose family from Schitt's Creek was a country." "People used to complain Canada doesn't make things, that we are hewers of wood and drawers of water," Opposition Leader Erin O'Toole told reporters when asked for comment. "Well, jokes on them, now we are bad at those and don't know how to buy things." "I mean, a good chunk of my party wouldn't use the vaccine even if it was available but it's nice to have the option, you know?"
- Governor general resigns and goes back to space home
OTTAWA – Following media reports about the existence of an unreleased independent workplace review showing she presided over a toxic work environment at Rideau Hall, Governor General Julie Payette has resigned and plans to return to space to be with her own kind. "It was like she was out of that Horrible Bosses movie," one Rideau Hall staff member told our reporter. "She set really unreasonable deadlines and would also demand that we allow these crawly hand things to climb onto our faces so they could lay their eggs in our abdomen." "I consider myself a no-nonsense public servant who can handle strong personalities," another staffer said, "But it was tough to watch her berating Dennis for having to pause during his briefing after some kind of torso-rupture monster burst out of his chest mid-Indigenous land acknowledgment." "People are saying I don't empathize well with people," Payette told reporters. "And I'm like, yeah. Dur. I was here investigating the suitability of your species as a source of living incubators for our brood. Hey, don't give me that look! I've seen how you treat your pigs and cows, you don't get to judge me." "Anyway, your Hive Lord told me I need to attend these boring ceremonies even though I don't know anything about your history or traditions. Still, he said I was a great choice to fill this role because I was a smaller minority than Indigenous people but wouldn't ask uncomfortable questions about meeting clean water benchmarks or UNDRIP promises." Prime Minister Trudeau has stated that he understands he made an error in selecting someone with no relevant knowledge or experience or aptitude for the position, but that his next nomination should go much better. The short list of candidates consists of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and George Floyd. Taxpayers will remain on the hook for the cost of the former Governor General's pension, as well as repairs and a biohazard cleanup after a papercut she suffered on the job burned through Rideau Hall's floor and foundation.
- Quebec borrows from hit TV show Mandalorian in attempt to boost curfew's popularity
QUEBEC CITY – In an effort to boost the popularity of the 8 p.m. curfew that they implemented to reduce the spread of COVID, Quebec politicians are hoping to borrow some of the enthusiasm around Disney's hit TV show, The Mandalorian. Municipal bylaw officers will now be wearing the familiar armour of the show's titular bounty hunter, Din Djarin. "We think this is a fun way to get the whole family on board with preventing the spread of COVID," Premier François Legault told reporters outside the Parliament Building. "We know this feels like a somewhat confusing policy choice, but that actually isn't inconsistent with our overall curfew strategy." The decision has raised some eyebrows amongst other Quebec politicians. "I was actually pretty concerned about what having to buy all of these costumes and the associated Disney licensing fees would do to our already hurting municipal balance sheet," Maxime Pedneaud-Jobin, Mayor of Gatineau told reporters Thursday. "But when I asked the Premier about whether this was a good use of resources during a pandemic, he just told me he found my lack of faith disturbing." Pierre Williams, former Montreal restauranteur and owner of l'Oiseau Malodorant, has had a run-in with one of the costumed officers. "Our restaurant folded during the COVID lockdown and I was having another rough fight about money with the wife, so I decided to go for a walk to cool off before I said or did something I'd regret," Williams told our reporter. "I'm walking through the park and boom, I bump right into the Mando. Thought he was some crazy cosplayer until he tells me I am violating the city's bylaws." "I tell the guy that my family is struggling but I'll try and scrape the money together. He tells me there is do or do not, there is no try, and we both had a good laugh. You know, because it's from Star Wars. Really took the edge off of the $1500 ordinance violation fine."