OTTAWA – Numerous government officials across Canada have responded to reports that they ignored public health recommendations meant to limit the spread of COVID-19 by attending a 'ghoulish politician-only orgy' instead of staying home over Christmas.
"I know I screwed up," stated Conservative MPP and former finance minister Rodd Phillips of Ontario. "You have to understand that our job is very stressful. Everyone loves front-line grocery store clerks right now and if you compare my pay to theirs, it shows I worked about seven times harder. Sometimes you just need to unwind by diving head first into a writhing mass of sweaty, naked, elected human flesh."
"I know we have been saying that we are all in this together," Liberal MPP Pierre Arcand of Quebec told reporters. "And we are! Just like I was all together in that lubed up pile with my esteemed colleagues. But let's be clear here, I only violated the spirit of the law. I think we can all agree that 'not technically illegal' is already a pretty high bar to expect our elected representatives to clear."
For Albertan politicians, it might be easier to list those who did not attend the orgy.
"Of course stopping the spread of COVID is our number one goal," explained Alberta's Municipal Affairs Minister Tracy Allard. "It just seemed everyone was doing such a good job of that by cancelling their plans to see their families over Christmas that it wasn't a big deal for me to engage in a little democratic quorum-tonguing with politicians from every city in the country."
"I honestly don't see what the issue is," stated Calgary MLA Jeremy Nixon. "Refusing to listen to medical advice that stops me from doing what I want to do is pretty on brand for the UCP."
"Anyway, the bodies of most politicians are actually pretty gross and flappy, plus I think I got pink eye so I feel my debt is repaid."