STEINBACH, MB. — On Friday, Ted from Steinbach was finally validated in his unwavering and unpleasantly loud belief that COVID-19 was fake.
"He didn't fall for it! It was supposed to be the most epic practical joke of all time," Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, Director-General of the World Health Organization, told reporters. "We had everyone in on it, the scientists, the media, China, Iran, Brazil, India, everyone! We even had President Trump act like a huge asshole and downplay it to gain credibility with the doubters and then pretend to get it himself! And Ted somehow saw right through it all!"
"I knew we were in trouble when he went into the Steinbach Hospital and some of the actors were on lunch so we didn't have enough people to make it look convincing. We tried to make excuses like 'Of course we wouldn't fill a waiting room during a contagious pandemic,' but he saw right through them. Ugh, all those fake bodies, shutting down the world economy, the social isolation, all for nothing. But how were we supposed to know that Ted was so smart and not gullible that he only gets his information from QAnon threads and social media memes?"
Ted claims he never for a second thought that COVID-19 had been real. "I mean, they said they had the experts changing their health recommendations because 'new evidence' was coming in, but when I read evidence on a very credible MySpace page that it was actually a Chinese bio-weapon, they didn't even recommend bombing China! Plus, they were saying I should wear a mask so others wouldn't get sick? How does that make sense?"
"Though it was a nice touch to have the other COVID denying actors mostly behave like unhinged lunatics. Anyway, I do appreciate humanity finally coming clean on this," Ted told reporters. "Thankfully with the lockdown ending, I can go back to my true love; accusing Sandy Hook parents of being actors."
A global referendum on whether humanity should come clean to Ted regarding 9/11, the moon landing, the JFK assassination, and the earth actually not being round is scheduled for June 2021, although it would only be a formality since Ted was somehow already aware those were all fake.