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Penguin Random House staff try to ban alphabet for failing to be an 'ally'

TORONTO – Employees of publisher Penguin Random House are up in arms over the use of the alphabet in their company's operations after discovering that the letters and words they were publishing were often ordered differently than they had been in their undergraduate Women's Studies course.

"I don't know if people know this but letters can spell anything. I grew up being taught that 'A' is for apple – and it is! – but 'F' is also for fascism," stated one employee with blue hair, "How can I work with these symbols when they can just betray me like that?"

"It's true that I can use letters to spell something so important that I spray paint it on a grocery store, like 'smash patriarchy' or 'ACAB.' However, some writers use those same letters to write articles persuading the public that it is bad to destroy public property or ratchet up a hostile 'us versus them' mentality against everyone who works in law enforcement," said another employee with pink hair.

"Know who else liked public order and not attacking law enforcement? The Nazis."

"It's just too much. I wouldn't have taken a job with a publisher if I thought letters could be organized in a way I disagreed with," said the blue-haired employee. "I think it's pretty clear that letters need to be banned unless my interpretation of what is best for disadvantaged groups isn't what we are printing, instead of, you know, what the public wants to read."

"Not that letters were ever that good. I mean, I can't even increase their volume to the point they physically hurt those who disagree with me."


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