OTTAWA – During Tuesday's fiscal update, Prime Minister Trudeau emphasized that it is a sign of good government that Canada is running the largest deficit relative to its GDP of any major economy.
"Let's be honest, government isn't good at that many things. Cutting checks to people is pretty much it, so the fact we are cutting the most checks is actually proof we are doing the best at governing," Trudeau told reporters outside the Rideau Cottage. "Anyway, I just really wanted to do the whole Oprah thing. You know, 'you get a car, you get a car.' Except I get to do it with billions of dollars of other people's money, essentially bribing Canadians with their own cash so they will let me keep being in charge of their country."
"Plus, when my dad wracked up the debt almost 60 percent, it was some Mulroney guy who had to deal with it. So, you know, no harm, no foul."
Chrystia Freeland, who is now the Deputy Prime Minister, Minister of Finance, and Deputy Minister of Sure, I Guess I'll Cover That Too, has explained that Canadians should not worry about the debt being accumulated for their children. "Even though we are nearing the reckless spending that caused Canada to be referred to as an 'honorary member of the third world' in the 90s, these are just temporary massive pandemic deficits. They are completely different from the massive non-pandemic deficits we were running prior to COVID," Freeland told reporters.
"You can trust me with the piggy bank Canada. I understand wealth creation, something I think is clear from my book, Devouring the Rich to Gain their Strength."
Trudeau reiterated that now is not the time for an actual budget. "Those things are a lot of work and then require you to kind of actually follow them and then people actually can check where the money is going. If I wanted boring, I wouldn't have canned Morneau. Anyway, I am still hoping to use COVID as an excuse to completely overhaul everything so I want to be ready if Canadians suddenly change their minds and decide they aren't deathly terrified by that notion."
"I really don't get this whole hang-up most people have with money," stated Trudeau as he prepared to board a jet to fly to a friend's private island for lunch. "Easy come, easy go, I say. I never worried about money growing up and my account never seemed to be empty. Must be a spiritual thing, most people are too materialistic. Anyway, if Canada needs some cash, it can just go do some speaking gigs for WE Charity."