MONTREAL — Quebec can unilaterally modify causality, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said Tuesday.
Trudeau told reporters that the federal government's analysis had concluded it is perfectly legitimate for Quebec to decide reality is stupid and that the French actually won the Battle of the Plains of Abraham, making them the dominant partner in the founding of Canada.
"What is real anyway?" Trudeau asked reporters. "With all of the quarks and quantums out there, who is to say Quebec didn't actually kick the Anglos asses, take over Canada, and make poutine the national bird?"
"I mean, the rest of Canada does give them $11 billion a year, so the story checks out."
An Ipsos Reid poll showed that although 78 percent of Canadians disagreed with this decision, they would probably still vote for Trudeau. The top reasons included "he's the president of Canada, right?" and "shut up, TV is on."
In typical French fashion, Quebec residents responded to this favourable news by protesting and then making minorities conceal their religious affiliation.