MONTREAL — Quebec can unilaterally modify reality, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said Tuesday.
Trudeau told reporters that the federal government's analysis had concluded it is perfectly legitimate for Quebec to decide history is lame and that the French actually won the Battle of the Plains of Abraham, making them the dominant partner in the founding of Canada.
"What is real anyway?" Trudeau asked reporters. "With all of the quarks and quantums out there, who is to say Quebec didn't actually kick the Anglos' asses, take control of Canada, and make poutine the national anthem?"
"I mean, the rest of Canada does give Quebec $11 billion a year, so which makes more sense?"
An Ipsos Reid poll showed that although 78 percent of Canadians disagreed with this decision, they would probably still vote for Trudeau. The top reasons included "he's the president of Canada, right?" and "shut up, TV is on."
Quebec residents responded to this favourable outcome in traditional French fashion by flipping cars in protest and then making minorities conceal their religious affiliation.