OTTAWA – Following media reports about the existence of an unreleased independent workplace review showing she presided over a toxic work environment at Rideau Hall, Governor General Julie Payette has resigned and plans to return to space to be with her own kind.
"It was like she was out of that Horrible Bosses movie," one Rideau Hall staff member told our reporter. "She set really unreasonable deadlines and would also demand that we allow these crawly hand things to climb onto our faces so they could lay their eggs in our abdomen."
"I consider myself a no-nonsense public servant who can handle strong personalities," another staffer said, "But it was tough to watch her berating Dennis for having to pause during his briefing after some kind of torso-rupture monster burst out of his chest mid-Indigenous land acknowledgment."
"People are saying I don't empathize well with people," Payette told reporters. "And I'm like, yeah. Dur. I was here investigating the suitability of your species as a source of living incubators for our brood. Hey, don't give me that look! I've seen how you treat your pigs and cows, you don't get to judge me."
"Anyway, your Hive Lord told me I need to attend these boring ceremonies even though I don't know anything about your history or traditions. Still, he said I was a great choice to fill this role because I was a smaller minority than Indigenous people but wouldn't ask uncomfortable questions about meeting clean water benchmarks or UNDRIP promises."
Prime Minister Trudeau has stated that he understands he made an error in selecting someone with no relevant knowledge or experience or aptitude for the position, but that his next nomination should go much better. The short list of candidates consists of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and George Floyd.
Taxpayers will remain on the hook for the cost of the former Governor General's pension, as well as repairs and a biohazard cleanup after a papercut she suffered on the job burned through Rideau Hall's floor and foundation.