OTTAWA – While the US Congress is scheduled to count the Electoral College votes tomorrow and ratify November's election, President Trump has been putting extreme pressure on Republican lawmakers to reject the votes in states Trump lost in. Although Trump's argument that he won but wide-scale fraud cost him the election has been roundly rejected in the courts, it has found surprising support amongst current Canadian prime ministers.
"I have to agree that Trump actually won the election and should stay as president," Trudeau told reporters outside Rideau Cottage, "He needs to. I mean, let's face it, the only way a progressive politician gets away with not even knowing how many times he has done blackface is by having a horrible, ridiculous orange-faced maniac next door who is also always having a non-stop mental breakdown in public. It's been like being on Cutthroat Kitchen except one of the chefs is a literal baboon whipping its own shit all over everyone. In those circumstances, the judges aren't going to comment on my soufflé failing to rise."
With Trump's removal from office seeming inevitable, the Liberal Party has been polling to find a replacement politician for Trudeau to compare favourably with. One recent Ipsos Reid phone poll asked Canadians questions like, 'Could you see a guy pushing violent Hindu nationalism distracting you from the exponential growth of our national debt?' and 'How about a dude brutalizing our old allies the Kurds? Would that make you stop tweeting about this government's numerous ethics violations?'
"I don't think Erin O'Toole is going to be able to adequately fill the role, he isn't actually particularly terrible a guy," one Liberal strategist told reporters, "I mean, we'll smear him as a frothing Atilla the Klansmen Hun anyway, but mostly just to stay in practice. Also, it's fun."
"This should be easy, there are lots of loud, super-cis dudes ruining good countries out there: Modi, Erdogan, Orbán, Duda, Bolsonaro... I just don't think any of them will really work as a proper heel for Canadians. Probably because Canadians aren't good with languages and have no idea what they are saying," Trudeau told reporters.
"Boris Johnson is a conservative doing Brexit and has the right hair but when the media is about to ask me uncomfortable questions about WE Charity, will Boris suddenly tweet that China made up global warming or that COVID-19 is nothing right after being hospitalized for it or that the election was rigged, even though he had just won it? I don't think so."
"You just... you just don't know who really matters to you until you lose them..."
At this point in the press conference, Rhianna's "Stay" began playing from the Rideau Cottage's speakers and Prime Minister Trudeau stared off longingly and misty-eyed until it became super awkward for the reporters and they left.