OTTAWA – As Canada struggles to secure vaccines and inoculation rates fall below peer nations such as the UK or even Serbia, the Trudeau Liberals have begun an ad campaign expressing that not vaccinating is part of their coordinated strategy to fight climate change.
The campaign focuses on the upsides of COVID-related lockdowns and mortality in reducing the national carbon output with slogans such as "Reduce, Reuse, Retrovirus," "Vote for Malthus," and "Grandmas Aren't Green."
When asked if this unusual strategy was meant to deflect from the fact Canada has spent more per capita on vaccines than any other country and still has none, Prime Minister Trudeau told reporters that, "That's a very good question, it is so important to not get sidetracked on these important issues. That's why our government is dedicated to planting two billion trees. Did you know the Conservatives barely even have a climate change plan? Derek Sloan."
A Liberal insider speaking to our reporter on condition of anonymity was willing to explain the cause of the party's shift in messaging. "First, we decided that relying on China for our vaccines should make them feel better about that whole Meng Wanzhou thing. You know, like a trust exercise. Surprisingly, that didn't work out. Should have gone with Russia."
"Next, we decided to turn down the experienced Canadian companies offering to make vaccine for us and instead trust in the renowned speed and efficiency of the public sector to build a brand new Biologics Manufacturing Centre. However, all of the government employees insisted on working from home so it never got started and all of the funding for it went into buying them work-from-home chairs."
"Eventually we just pulled out the checkbook. We now have pre-orders for six different vaccines equaling about nine doses per Canadian, but the companies aren't giving them to us so our current strategy is to mooch out of the vaccine stash meant for poor countries. It's basically like if the Rose family from Schitt's Creek was a country."
"People used to complain Canada doesn't make things, that we are hewers of wood and drawers of water," Opposition Leader Erin O'Toole told reporters when asked for comment. "Well, jokes on them, now we are bad at those and don't know how to buy things."
"I mean, a good chunk of my party wouldn't use the vaccine even if it was available but it's nice to have the option, you know?"