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God goes on book tour, explains why Newfoundlanders "must be cleansed"


Though your Screech is pretty good

ST. JOHN'S, N.L. — As Newfoundland teeters on the brink of bankruptcy and struggles with an outbreak of the more virulent British COVID variant, God is on tour to promote the sale of a previously unreleased book of the Bible. As part of the tour, God spoke with Tom Power on CBC's arts and culture radio show Q.


"I've been getting all these prayers for help and strength from people in Newfoundland so it seemed like the right time to release this book because it explains all the suffering," God told Power on Monday's episode. "It was actually supposed to be in the original version between Numbers and Deuteronomy but there was an issue with the publisher when they were slaughtered by some Romans."


"Anyway, the book talks about how Newfies – oh shit, that's like a slur now, right? Sorry. The book explains that Newfoundlanders are actually the Unchosen People. Figured their weather should have tipped them off."


"Basically, the book – working title is Newfrownland. I know, not great – needed a foil to the Jews and I tried to think of some people who were sort've the opposite of Middle Eastern Semites. Newfoundlanders just came to mind."


"I don't even dislike the people there," God told Power. "They seem super friendly and that Kissing the Cod thing makes me laugh, but I needed an antagonist and had written myself into a corner by having the Jews wipe out the Canaanites too early in the story. Though leaving it out back then might have been for the best because I don't know how they could have made that conflict work, totally forgot what a barrier time and distance are for you guys."


"Honestly, I'm pretty amazed the original sold so well. I mean, the New Testament was some solid work, but the editing was pretty incoherent and, oh man - the Old Testament. I was in a dark, weird place when I wrote that. All that stuff about she-bears ripping up kids, turning women into pillars of salt. Ha, I won't go into the details but let's just say I can relate to how Stephen King wrote Kujo."


"Anyway, that's the whole story, Newfoundlanders and Jews are supposed to be mortal enemies in a genocidal conflict. I'll let you guys figure out how to make that work."


"Oh, and Labrador, we're cool."