Conservative Party votes to become the NDP


"Finally, an excuse to wear a dastār."

OTTAWA -- Following a three-day virtual party convention where a vote by party delegates took a surprising turn, Conservative Leader Erin O'Toole held a press conference to announce he is rebranding the Conservative Party of Canada as the New Democratic Party.


"This was clearly a vote that I wanted to go the other way. In my speech I tried to explain to Canadians that we were a modern party with sane ideas," O'Toole told reporters.


"I mean, who could have foreseen that making my base out of Canada's most socially conservative and conspiratorial-minded people could have draw-backs?"


Some long-time CPC members have stated this vote did not actually represent the will of the majority of the party and that they are concerned that being a second NDP is not a good strategy for winning elections.


"I can't be an NDP member! I run a business and the CPC is the only party that doesn't want to take all my money and spend it on work-from-home chairs for public-sector workers," Reggie Myers, owner of a sporting goods store and longtime CPC member told our reporter.


"Plus, I'm too old to wear orange without looking ridiculous and pot gives me the spins now."


Some of the Conservative delegates from the convention are defending the controversial vote.


"The NDP have real principles and they stick by them no matter how much it makes actually implementing those principles impossible," stated Karen Kenney, a delegate from Stavely, Alberta.


"It takes real character to consistently choose to stay irrelevant by pursuing the perfect over the good."


When asked if he was concerned that the Liberals seemed determined to trigger an election, O'Toole replied, "Ha, why would I be? Honestly, this job is way less stressful when nobody expects your party to win."

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