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CAF in crisis over sexual misconduct allegations, potted fern selected as new chief of defense staff

Strong, Secure, Evergreen

OTTAWA -- In the aftermath of multiple sexual misconduct allegations that have rocked Canada's top military brass and left several key positions empty, the Trudeau government has finally found someone they consider safe enough to fill the top role in the Canadian Armed Forces.

"Selecting our new chief of the Defence Staff was difficult," Trudeau told reporters. "Everyone I have selected recently has turned out to be kind of rapey. As were a bunch of senior CAF people who I didn't select. I'm pretty sure being kind of rapey is actually 90 percent of what the CAF does now."

"I thought, how about a woman? That's on brand and they don't rape that much. But then I remembered all those news stories about hot female teachers and their male students so that's still too risky."

Prime Minister Trudeau explained he settled on the potted fern after seeing it in Rideau Cottage, where it sat on a small table in a hallway.

"I liked how it just sat there everyday and didn't rape anyone," Trudeau told reporters. "Also, it seems to agree with my environmental agenda."

The potted fern was made an honourary general and sworn in on Wednesday at 12 pm. However, it was removed from the position several hours later, following allegations by a female subordinate she had seen it openly releasing pollen in the workplace.


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