top of page

Letters to the Editor

Thanks for submitting!

Canada joins UN peacekeeping mission to prevent civil war, asks if it can bunk with Brazil for a bit

Washington, DC

OTTAWA Members of the Canadian Armed Forces are joining a UN peacekeeping mission launched in an American nation in response to an outbreak of domestic hostilities.

Long-standing political unrest is boiling over into full-blown civil war with allies of the current president attempting to use force and poorly conceived arguments to overturn his loss in the recent election, deemed "legitimate but Christ, count faster. No Arizona, don't take the night off!" by UN observers.

"There has been growing distrust between the major two tribes within the region, referred to in common parlance as the smelly bearded-red hats and the pinky haired-no bras," Roland Myers, Professor of Political Science at Queen's University told the Post Inquirer Globe and Review Star Examiner. "Well, I call them that anyway."

"Both are accusing the other of being tyrants and stealing the nation's wealth when in power, which is pretty standard in developing democracies where tribal ties are still paramount and the ruling party robs the treasury to make it rain for their supporters. Kids still say 'make it rain,' right? Like, with throwing the money? Actually, that sounds stupid, please don't include that part," stated Professor Myers.

"What is unusual here is that the treasury is getting robbed but the supporters get nothing, yet they still consider it a win as long as the opposing supporters also get nothing."

"This will be a difficult mission for Canada," Minister of National Defence Harjit Sajjan told reporters. "The locals are habituated to a background level of violence comparable to Medieval Europe and even the non-combatants are considerably better armed than our troops."

"Honestly, the UN should have stepped in sooner as it appears this crisis started some time ago. The makeshift shanty towns filling their major cities suggests an internal refugee crisis and many of their citizens don't have access to medical attention. Actually, have never had access to medical attention," stated Minister Sajjan. "Also, I keep stepping in human poop, which is pretty fucked up."

"Fortunately, the situation hasn't deteriorated beyond repair yet. The logistics behind food production and distribution are still operating within the country. Possibly too well."

"As a nation dedicated to peacekeeping, Canada is proud to support the noble UN peacekeeping force in this mission," Prime Minister Trudeau told reporters. "Although I'd appreciate if the force would engage in a tad less *cough* sexual abuse and human trafficking *cough*?"

In related news, at 3:25 a.m. last night President Trump tweeted an image of the two sides clashing with the statement: "Look at these vicious THUGS. I guarantee Sleepy Joe will let in more lazy refugees from whatever shithole country this is. SAD. This is why you need to get on the streets and fight for your Prez! #stopthesteal"


bottom of page