OTTAWA -- The Bank of Canada announced it is keeping its key interest rate target at 0.25 percent until the economic situation improves and also forever.
"With the COVID situation, we need economic growth," Governor of the Bank of Canada and notable dumb name-haver Tiff Macklem told reporters. "Sometimes that means making money free to borrow and then putting the taxpayer on the hook for massive bank loans made to any Canadian able to stumble into a Money Mart and scrounge up five percent down for their third Airbnb property."
"Then it's just a matter of printing money to buy all of our own bonds, praying no one notices, and hoping this stop rates from ever going up again."
Several prominent economists have raised concerns with this strategy, noting that Canada's housing prices have increased three times faster than the second fastest growing G7 country since 2005 and that analysts are calling the Canadian market "one of the biggest bubbles of all time."
The Bank of Canada has acknowledged some "frothy exuberance," but stated that they would not raise interest rates until they hit their inflation target of two percent. Although many have noted there already appears to be inflation far exceeding two percent, Bank of Canada analyst Ted Robins explained it is possible to technically stay below two percent by substituting items in the Consumer Price Index with cheaper alternatives.
"For instance, the price of fitness equipment like dumbbells has gone through the roof so we substituted them with milk jugs filled with gravel," stated Robins.
"Or you may have seen the cost of a two-by-four has increased from $3 pre-pandemic to $8 dollars now. Oops, that sounds a lot like inflation, so instead of looking at the cost of purchasing a 'two-by-four,' we substituted it with 'stealing a two-by-four from Home Depot.' Infinitely less expensive for the consumer. Boom, inflation averted. With Canadians getting these kinds of boosts to their purchasing power, we should successfully never hit our target."
Prime Minister Trudeau has also come out and explained that his government would not be taking policy steps to cool the housing market.
Critics have argued it seems unfair for the government to do nothing about this issue during a pandemic where the drastic lockdown measures designed primarily to protect higher risk, older people have mostly landed on the backs of younger, poorer Canadians. This is at the same time low interest rates have massively inflated the value of the houses and stocks overwhelmingly owned by those same older Canadians.
When asked about this by reporters, Trudeau responded, "We of course sympathize with the young people who will now never be able to buy into the housing market because of the policies we deliberately selected. However, dealing with this issue might hurt homeowner equity prior to the next election and boomers actually vote. Plus, who could the young people even vote for? O'Toole? His hair sucks compared to mine."
"Honestly, if they do need cash to buy in they should just talk with their dad, that's what I always did."